wazue

Panda Porn

2008-08-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

There I was, just watching the olympic coverage, chock full of crap that has nothing to do with the olympics, when I see this spot on a Panda research and breeding facility. They take these Pandas, make them do a little workout to get them stronger for "mating".

Feed 'em, load them up with some special baked goodies and hope they do their thing to make panda babies...and, if the dude is not in the mood...they use a little technology to get things going. While the Panda, who's not in the mood, is hanging out in his cage, they roll up a tv and turn on some Panda Porn. Yep, videos of other Panda's getting it on...apparently this gets their motors running. Panda Porn.

Ok, just so it's officially stated here, I don't want to see links for, Panda Porn, Kanagroo Gang-Bangs, or Barracuda Bukkake, ok?

Boom boom

2006-05-11T05:20:00.000-07:00

Heard this on NPR this morning, the video-cast is quite entertaining, in many cases....and informative in a bizarre fashion.

RocketBoom

I especially loved break dancing for the Pope.

Help for small businesses

2006-02-15T04:37:00.000-08:00

My old friend, Mr. Beemis was trying to find some answers to his pig farming start up - but to no avail. He sent this query off but received no response. We reprint here his call to Miller Manufacturing, a maker of various livestock products.

From: "J. Beemis Weismuller"
Subject: cattle prod effectiveness
To: rthelemann@miller-mfg.com

Hi Roger!

I have recently started an at home Pork business and
was wondering if your product would help.

I have a spacious 2 bedroom apartment, one of the
bedrooms is dedicated to getting my business going -
it serves as the Porcine Ranch. Anyway, one of the
problems I've been having is the smell. I've put in
two kiddie pools, you know, the kind you can get at
Walmarket - one is for water and the other has a load
of kitty litter. One of my consultants told me this
was the way to go.

Well, the pigs just refuse to climb into that litter
pool when mother nature calls - so as a resut the shag
carpet in there is riddled with urine and feces. I
thought I could handle the stink, but it's getting out
of hand.

So, my consultant told me to train them to use the
litter, and I should get a Pig Prod. He explained this
is an electrical device to zap the pigs. I checked out
your website and saw a lot of cattle prods...so I told
him that I would buy one of those - but he said I
shouldn't.

Here's why, he says that the cattle prod emits an
electrical charge that is the exact frequency of the
Cattle's nervous system - which is why it works. He
said that Pigs have a different frequency and the
Cattle prods would be ineffective.

So, here's my question. Do you sell an adjustable
frequency, phase and polarity control for your cattle
prods? Or can I go to Radio Shack to get this kind of
thing? Are there any special crystals I would need to
adjust? My consultant says that I may need to get
in-phase crystals for Pigs...do you sell them?

Also, I noticed you list the street prices for your
stuff - is this illegal or something? I don't like
going on the street to make my purchases - though I
have to for a few items (I think you probably know
what I mean).

Red, white and true,

J. Beemis Weismuller

Goodbye Ian

2006-02-03T18:09:00.000-08:00

I just attended the going away party for Ian, who's moving to France, and then on to Australia. It's been nice to know you Ian, and, I truly hope we can keep in touch. Goodluck in all you do.

google it

2005-12-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

I was using google to find the phone number for the local grocery store, called Market Basket...which it did nicely. What I found a little further down the page was a little more funny...

And you can link to it here...link

And the main site is here

Wacky Little Song

2005-12-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

Hey, yesterday I was listening, as I always do, to the All Things Considered NPR news program. They had a very short story, which was strangely humorous. The story is about a song, which, when it was played, was bizarre in the most - and yet familiar, which was brought home to me in the end of the story...let me know if it you have the same experience. If you want to be surprised, don't read the story on the website, just click the Listen Here link...it's more fun that way.

Here

Scrapple Chronicles: Revenge of the Headcheese

2005-09-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Looks like this may be the final episode...with a twist - jumping from scrapple to the equally "chilling" product of headcheese

Delicious! Ok, now to the correspondence....this time our hero contacts the Koegels Meat company - and gets his response from the top, the Koegels man himself!

J. Beemis writes:

Hi Mr. Koegels,

I noticed on your website that your headcheese has
these Ingredients: "Pork Snouts, Beef, Water, Salt, Sugar, Gelatin, Spices, Dehydrated Onions, Garlic Powder, Sodium Nitrite "

and I'd like to know what part of the beef cattle you're using, prime rib? filet mignon? snout? sphincter?

When I was a boy we used to get our headcheese from my grandmother, and I can't tell you what part of the cow or pig she used, not because I don't know, but, well, because it would be inappropriate to mention "those" parts in an email. I wouldn't want to offend your senses.

Also, I am thinking of doing a little home pork production, I think I've got room for at least two porkers in my apartment, it's a 2 bedroom deal and they would share one bedroom. Anyway, any suggestions, or piglets you could offer would be great - don't worry, I'm not going to compete!

Red, white and true

J. Beemis

And, from the main man, head honcho, of Koegel Meats, heir to the headcheese fortune, Mr. John Koegel:

Subject: Koegel Meats
Date: Wed, 31 Aug 2005 13:03:52 -0400
From: "John Koegel" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book
To: j_beemis@yahoo.com

Dear Mr. J. Beemis:

Thank you for your email inquiring about the ingredients of our headcheese.

The beef that we use is 85% lean beef. Most of the time, the loins are removed as well as the briskets. All of the time the offal, and other body parts are removed so what is left is the skeletal meat taken from the bone. If one uses meat other than skeletal meat, it must be listed such as pork snouts are listed on our label.

We are not in the farm end of the business so I have cannot answer your other question, however, I hope that the above helps.

Again, thank you for your email.

Sincerely,
John C. Koegel

And thus ends this bizarro meat tale, for now at least.

Scrapple Chronicles: Episode 2

2005-09-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

Who knew that scrapple could be such a rich field to mine? Is it me or is this fascination akin to the act of rubber-necking when one passes an unfortunate car accident on the roadway?

Well, here are a few more juicy email missives from my old pal.

J. Beemis writes

(sent to the Jones Dairy Farm regarding Country Style Scrapple)

Hi Mr. Jones,

I saw your web site and boy is my mouth watering. What I'd like to know, what meat parts are included in Scrapple, and, maybe more importantly, what meat parts aren't good enough to go in scrapple? Are those the ones in hot dogs?

Also, I am thinking of doing a little home pork production, I think I've got room for at least two porkers in my apartment, it's a 2 bedroom deal and they would share one bedroom. Anyway, any suggestions, or piglets you could offer would be great - don't worry, I'm not going to compete!

Red, white and true

J. Beemis

And their response...

Subject: Jones Dairy Farm Country Style Scrapple
From: "Shirley Hartwig"

Mr. Weismuller:

Thank you for contacting us. The ingredients statement for our scrapple is: Pork Stock, Pork, Pork Skins, Corn Meal, Pork Livers, Wheat Flour, Pork Fat, Pork Hearts, Salt, Spices.

We do not produce hot dogs and am not sure how the ingredients statement reads for them. [editor's comment: seems like Shirley may be getting a little "uppity" here]

We do appreciate your interest in our scrapple and for taking the time to contact us.

Shirley M. Hartwig
Manager of Consumer Relations
Jones Dairy Farm
Phone 920-563-2431

Now, J. Beemis has been a busy soul, he also has corresponded with Kunzler, another fine meat packer, here's the trail...

J. Beemis writes

Hi Mr. Kunzler,

I didn't notice on your website the ingredients of
your scrapple, are you trying to hide something? Can
you please advise? My doctor has put me on a specific
diet, and has ruled out certain meat "parts" - lips,
snouts, ears, cheeks, knuckles, sphincters, eyes,
tongues, testicles.

When I was a boy we used to get our scrapple from my
grandmother, and I can't tell you what part of the cow
or pig she used, not because I don't know, but, well,
because it would be inappropriate to mention "those"
parts in an email. I wouldn't want to offend your
senses.

Also, I am thinking of doing a little home pork
production, I think I've got room for at least two
porkers in my apartment, it's a 2 bedroom deal and
they would share one bedroom. Anyway, any suggestions,
or piglets you could offer would be great - don't
worry, I'm not going to compete!

Red, white and true

J. Beemis

And Kunzler replies...

To: "J. Beemis Weismuller"
Subject: Re: scrapple
From: CPatalano@kunzler.com

Dear J. Beemis,

Thank you for your interest in Kunzler and our products. Please find below the ingredients to our Scrapple which are also clearly listed on the package:

Ingredients: Pork Stock, Pork, Pork Skins, Pork Livers, Whole Wheat Flour, Corn Meal, Salt, Spice. [editor's comment: What, no Pork Hearts? seems like Jones may be the superior scrapple! You read it here first!]

As far as piglets are concerned, I would suggest contacting a local farmer. We no longer keep live animals here at our plant locations. [editor's comment: Not even a jovial mascot?]

Thank you again for your interest and if you have any future comments or questions please feel free to contact us again.

Sincerely,

Cheryl Patalano
Kunzler and Company, Inc.
Customer Service
717-299-6301 ext. 159
1-888-Kunzler (586-9537)

I guess you would call that a "dry" wit. Stay tuned for more exciting meat correspondence!

Scrapple Chronicles

2005-09-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, ever heard of scrapple? Is it a new hip-hop band? iPod knock-off? New designer drug? deadly disease? --- well, close!

Scrapple is, according to wikipedia a cornmeal pudding in which the cornmeal, perhaps with the addition of buckwheat, is simmered with pork scraps and trimmings, then cooled and hardened into a loaf.

Three things to note here. First, it's a food that, yes, humans consume. Second, it contains pork scraps, more on that in a moment. Third, the word scrapple contains the word "crap" - rule of thumb here, if a food stuff you wish to consume contains a word that is used to describe feces, it's probably a good idea not to eat it. Why? Well...

Let's examine those pork scraps. Again, courtesy of wikipedia, scrapple typically contains the meaty parts of hog heads, hearts, some liver, and other scraps, (yikes, "other"). And if there's any questions left, scrapple is affectionately known to be composed of "everything but the squeal". Yep - lips, snouts, ears, sphincters, balls, penises, etc.

Now, this could be enough, but, there's more. I've got this friend who likes to share his correspondence with me - and he's the one who put me onto this whole scrapple thing. He shares lots of his correspondence with me, which you'll find more about in the future - anyway, he's agreed to allow me to share it with you, here's one gem, on the topic of scrapple, he's shared.

His email

"J. Beemis Weismuller" j_beemis@yahoo.com
Subject: I love your meat!
To: askarnold@arnolds-sausage.com

Hi Mr. Arnold,

I saw your web site and boy is my mouth watering. What
I'd like to know, what meat parts are included in
Scrapple, and, maybe more importantly, what meat parts
are good enough to go in scrapple? Are those the ones
in hot dogs?

Red, white and true

J. Beemis

Now, he sent this off to the Arnolds Sausage Co., makers of various meat type products.

Now, here's their actual response;

From: sales6@arnolds-sausage.com
To: j_beemis@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Scrapple
Date: Wed, 31 Aug 2005 12:25:21 -0500

Good Afternoon,
Thank you for your recent inquiry. Our ingredient statement on our
pork scrapple reads as follows:

Ingredients: Water, Pork with skin, Corn Meal, Pork Livers, Pork Skins,
Pork Tongues, Pork Hearts, Flour, Salt, Onions, Spices.

Somewhat different than the ingredients in hot dogs. But if you like
scrapple, it's the real thing. Hope you find this information helpful.

Cheryl Pepe / Sales Support

Skins, tongues and hearts...that's gotta be good for you. Arnold's must be doing well with their srapple business, (I imagine product costs must be pretty low), since they've got a Sales Support department and all. Processed meats must pay big.

Anyway, you've just experienced part 1 of the Scrapple Chronicles, sick yet?

Shit Be Gone

2005-08-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

I nearly fell off the chair when I found this website - selling this product.

ShitBeGone

Where they proudly proclaim;

"ShitBegone toilet paper is a quality product that exemplifies your attitude and approach to life. "

How did they know? It's like they really, truly know me.

"Part journey of discovery, part assertion of responsibility, part embrace of life, ShitBegone expresses hope and belief that a better world is possible."

Man, it's like Ghandi works there or something. Now, they go on to praise their product, describing how to properly use the paper for wiping, something I find almost scientific in its description. And, of course, it's all recycled paper, or as they say;

"(Who but a true asshole, would sell something that was made of 100% fresh ground up forests— more expensive than necessary— and engineered to encourage overuse? That's corporate America for you...)"

That's an advertising tag line you can really enjoy.

But, I think they are missing a huge opportunity, imagine if you will, you are in a big meeting, or talking with your lawyer, or discussing the price of a new car with a salesperson, and, you plunk down one of these babies - and tell the folks, let's cut the crap...I think they could be sitting on a gold mine!

Posting doldrums

2005-08-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been in the posting doldrums...I just haven't had the bandwidth to contribute here.

The good news is that I have many irons in the fire, however, none have panned out as of yet (maybe I should rant about over use, misuse and abuse of the cliche?).

Ok, that being said, here are a couple of small items I'd like to blow off steam about.

1. President of the USA says that "jury is still out on evolution" - meaning that creationism is still a "valid" theory. I don't know about anyone else, but I find this really scary. Here's the guy in charge of our military, who's got his finger on the button to launch the nukes, and he supposedly got an education at Yale...and yet, all I can say is Yikes!

2. Democrats - still no balls. Even Gary Hart had the courage to author an essay to call on leaders to step up in the Democratic party...but, again, he's not leading, just hoping someone else will...Jackass seems all the more fitting for these folks, it's a real shame.

3. What's the office pool like for NHL attendance, down 10%, 20%, 100% - I wonder if the fans will return...MLB, are you watching?

4. At what price per gallon will you stop driving? How high will it go? Will the horse and buggy make a come back? Maybe Apple will make us all happy and carefree with the iCar - just power up by plugging into your USB, drives itself - though it would look weird if we all had smooth, white apple-mobiles.

5. Can somebody please kill the Vehix TV ads? Let's go back to the less annoying fat guy in Monitor suit, ok? Please?

Bye for now.

Catholic Church Incorporated.

2005-08-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Now, I was more or less raised as a Catholic (I realize that this statement alone really says to you Catholic devotees, I am not a Catholic) - and here's the basic message they conveyed intentionally;

Be nice to others, do not judge others, love your fellow man, treat people with respect, avoid sinful behavior, you're not perfect, but that's ok, and, if you screw up, you're going to Hell.

Of course, they also sent another message (that I received as a child);

This is a really secret place, you can't possibly understand all of this, just believe me or else.

In all of this, piety and altruism seemed to be involved - even if the message was less than ideal. However, since they have been under the gun recently with many cases of abusive priests, we get to see the real principles in play.

And it really looks awful. In lawsuits, where priests have been acknowledged to have ruined the lives of children, now adults, the church has abandoned the people - to hide their wealth using every trick in the book - ones that would put many CEO's to shame. Sheltering the money in non-liquid assets, compartmentalizing the organization, so that the Boston Archdiocese is a wholly contained unit that is completely responsible for the financial burdens incurred - sheltering the higher organization from these financial obligations. Closing churches in poor areas, while maintaining "active" (read as well off, richer parishes) churches.

In many of these cases, they are within legal bounds to pull these shenanigans, but aren't they supposed to take the higher moral and ethical ground? They aren't supposed to operate like a business in terms of accounting trickery to protect themselves, and, under law, do get special treatment due to the very nature of their organization - they pay no taxes, in effect, get subsidized housing, etc - because of the supposed principles of their operation.

Through the centuries, they have always been accused of operating as a kind of franchise operation, marketing God to the masses, building huge wealth all the while - and now, it seems, these principles are laid bare.

One wonders at how anyone can continue to contribute money to this sham any longer. Or, believe unquestioningly the stuff they are peddling. Trust and faith given by people but cannot be taken for granted.

Blogpology

2005-08-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have really failed in the primary directive for bloggers - I have not frequently blogged. I will commit myself henceforth to produce blogs on a regular basis.

Enough said on that front.

Gratuity

2005-06-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

According to Websters, the definition for gratuity is:

A favor or gift, usually in the form of money, given in return for service.

Now, I had with my family and friends, a party of 6, just this evening, had an after dinner dessert and drink. A modest, 7 cannolies 3 lemonades and a latte, for $42.50.

Now, I admit, my eyeballs popped when I saw the check, and I gave it the once over, and found that, besides paying $24.50 for 7 cannolies, (an outrage for ricotta cheese, sugar and 1 ounce of fried dough) - I had a $6.85 charge for GRATUITY. At the bottom of the check, with an asterisk, it said, "We add an additional 20% gratuity for parties of 6 or more".

How convenient, helping me with the gift giving. Now, I can almost (ALMOST) understand when a restaurant adds these things, (not really, but bear with me here). However, in this little coffee shop, where the wait staff took all of 10 seconds to take my order and deliver it - coffee from the dude behind the bar, lemonades out of the Italian bottles, we poured ourselves and cannolies, brought over from the bakery next door. For this "service" I was forced to give the gift of 20%.

Now, if you serve me and I give you a gift, I'm ok with that, I usually tip well, unless the service is really lousy, and I give 15% for small meals, 20% for larger ones. But I choose. When you make me give you the gift, well, it ain't a gift. It's a fee or charge or tax, but not a gift. And that ain't a gratuity. Of course, in a place like this, they get so much business they just don't give a shit if I drop dead right there in my chair, sipping my latte, but it just isn't right to force me to give you a gift.

Is this logical? I don't know, it just pisses me off. You take money from me under false pretense, that's what it is, you're passing on a surcharge to me for having more that some magic threshold of people in my party. And I don't like it.

Will I go back there, probably. But I can tell you this, I will remember that I got stiffed for paying a forced gratuity, so I will be a little tighter next time, especially if my party is under 6. And if we're over, we'll just tell them we're really two parties of 3.

Maybe I'll get a card and have it printed up to say "It is my policy to NOT pay automatic gratuities" and I'll leave them the bill, short of the surcharge with my "policy" card.

Scholarly Farts

2005-05-26T06:39:00.000-07:00

I did a google search, using the Scholarly search engine, a beta search capability of Google, that searches things scholarly. So of course, I decided to put the engine to the test, so I searched for Fart.

Here’s what I found
E. Fart

Entropy and data compression (Corresp.)
Tzannes, N. Sarantakis, A. Fart, E.

Notice the 3rd author…

Then there’s

Ye Old Farte

“Gone with the wind – more thoughts on medieval farting” – I’m sure the University of Minnesota is proud of this item.

The esteemed BMJ (British Medical Journal) had this gem regarding the infectious nature of cutting the cheese

Faurt

summary, farting naked will send out some bacterium, but only the “nice” kind, while clothing acts as a filter…the description of the experiment involving the Petri dish and the flatus was most alarming to me.

Where have all the swearwords gone? Finnish F***kers

Asks these fools from the University of Helsinki.

There were lots of hits due to poor spelling, like Far or Part…Spell This these folks should have proof read and not just relied on their spell checker to help them out.

There seemed to be a preponderance of hits from the bmj.com, Brits, Farts, Medical Science, State sponsored medical care…coincidence? I think not.

Win the most that you can...

2005-05-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

All of the news lately regarding layoffs and cutbacks in various high-tech, well known, companies has made me think about the layoff "tool" of management. Now, it is a powerful one, especially in these types of businesses where the main cost of business is payroll.

Handing out the pink slip is a very easy way to cut those costs, and is one that Wall Street loves, it shows them commitment to profitability, for the near term. And does trim the company doing the cutting. Unfortunately, this leaves out one BIG part of the equation - the economy is by and large driven through consumer spending.

Consumer spending happens through consumer confidence in their money source (their jobs) and the availability of money to spend.

This reminds me of a game I was recently a participant in, one that I thought showed the basic premise at work here and how it is flawed.

The game is called Win as much as you can, this game involves 4 groups of people, something like 20 is a good amount, so there are 4 groups of 5, and a moderator. Each group is given two cards, one with an X and one with a Y. Now, the teams are given scores, and the moderator will ask the teams to hold up one of the cards, then the scores are recorded. Scoring goes like this

4 teams with X => each team scores -100

3 teams with X => each X team scores +100
1 team with Y => this team scores a -300

2 teams with X => each team scores a +200
2 teams with Y => each team scores a -200

1 team with X => this team scores +300
3 teams with Y => each team scores -100

4 teams with Y => each team scores +100

Now, what happens in this game is that each group tries to be that team to get the single X, hoping that someone holds the Y. After a few turns, the moderator lets one person from each group meet with the others to negotiate.

Anyway, when we played each team went for the X, then, when we all negotiated, it was pointed out that only when we all select Y's do we all gain. After one of these negotiations, all representatives agreed to hold the Y, but when they returned to their group and held up their card, they held up the X...

When the game was over, after ten "turns" the moderator reveals that the score is for the entire group of 20...and the only way for the entire group to win is when everyone selects the Y...if you pick any other combination, it is at best a Win-Lose scenario (and one is a Lose-Lose).

Now, this is the same game that companies engaging in the massive layoff scheme are playing..why...well, those laid off folks are consumers, who now will not have confidence and will spend less. Furthermore, when those jobs are replaced, with extremely low cost wages, else where, those low wage earners will not have the available money to spend, thus, further decreasing the consumer input to the economy.

So, these short cut schemes to show profit to Wall Street through layoffs and outsourcing are the Win-Lose game, which, in the end, makes everyone lose. Unfortunately, the people in the positions that make these decisions for companies are rewarded only for the short term, Win-Lose aspects, acting like those single groups in the game - in fact, there is not one person who gets rewarded when the entirety wins...which is the basic flaw here - when no one is rewarded for this aspect, no one will do it, especially if they are getting rewarded for other, less beneficial behavior - creating a world of haves and have nots.

Henry Ford had the foresight to realize that increasing workers wages would in turn allow those workers to purchase the consumer products that they are making, thus perpetuating the business, in a Win-Win scenario. This is the kind of leadership that is needed in corporate America, however, what we have are Managers and not Leaders. Managers respond to action-able items, Leaders act on their vision. It would be nice to see some Leaders step up and create a positive, powerful vision, and save us all from these Managers - before they manage us all offshore and downsize our country to a 3rd world economy.

I admit it, I am a spelling nazi!

2005-05-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I will make a confession, especially since the audience here is oh so low. Though I know that with google, archives and the like, this post will live on, to be discovered in some distant time in the future where who knows what passes as "haute cuisine".

Oh, yes, back to the topic. Well, I about shit myself when I saw this little beauty in my very own post right here....

my Star Trek rant

you'll see this snippet...

..."this was something humans could acheive...but, instead"...

which, for me, stands out like a, well, a Star Trek dork at Banana Republic. How could I have let this spelling f-up pass? I have to admit further that I was mightily drawn to edit this sucker into oblivion - but I just couldn't, it wouldn't be right. So I let it stand, like a hicky on Dick Cheney's neck.

Now, for the real confession. One of the ways I pass judgement on emails (and their authors) is through the spelling of the words they choose to use. These people fall into 3 categories for me;

1. The truly lazy - they just type something and send it, as fast as they can...with as little resistance (or mental filtering) as possible. Enough said here.

2. The spell check goon squad - ok, they are just one step beyond the truly lazy, they take the time to spell check their email, and when they get the All spelling is cool signal - they send. My favorite from this crew is the word "loose", as in "Even though we may loose some traction...". Loose is correctly spelled here, but it ain't lose. Though I think there are people whose native language is english, who have been weaned on spell checkers, who think "loose" really is "lose". In my mind, they are polishing up the proverbial Sow's Ear.

3. The literate - they can and do spell their words correctly, almost always WITHOUT the spell checker - sure they use it, but only as a fallback, when they've taken the pains of everything other method of checking, revising, etc.

Now, I will confess that I try like hell to be the third...I have a dog-eared paperback dictionary that I still use, even though the web, spell checkers and all manner of technology are out here...it forces me to think more so than the technology does. Plus I still like holding, touching and smelling an actual book - tactile experiences are double plus good.

Ok, glad I got that off my chest...now to find some Nigerians to hassle.

Look what they done to my Star Trek

2005-05-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

You can ask anyone that knows me, I like Star Trek. I grew up on the re-runs of the now "Classic" trek, William, Over-the-top, Shatner and all. But, as with anything that is fun and enjoyable in this world, it's been overrun, overwrought and thoroughly processed. Now, searching for Trek, you get gems like this...

Did some dude crap on this guy's head?
Crap Head

or this gem, is that ?Howard Cosell? Arthur Schlesinger?
Liver Spotted Vulcan

Needless to say, when I was watching this stuff, the hope, buried deep, was that this was something humans could acheive...but, instead, what we've done is turned it into some kind of perverse, play-acting, costume-wearing freak show.

Oh well, I guess that this is the down-side of capitalism, keep telling a bunch of monkies they need some shiny objects, or in this case, toy phasers and rubberized head gear, and they crave it - wonder what Darwin would say about this

The Adventures of "Russo - International Man of Mystery"

2005-03-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

Apparently the good Doctor wanted to rub my nose in it. Perhaps I have been removed from his list...

[10:07] jarusso: Hi Steve
[10:07] drsteven_attah: how r u?
[10:07] jarusso: great
[10:07] jarusso: and you?
[10:07] drsteven_attah: cool
[10:07] jarusso: have you been talking with Honey?

You may remember Honey from my last posting, she's the foxy lady who's taking over for her aged Dad and his fabric company somewhere in the darkest depths of Africa. And being the sage business person she is, she sought out the services of Russo, International Financier.

[10:07] drsteven_attah: what?
[10:08] jarusso: it's too bad about her father, but she's doing a great job
[10:08] drsteven_attah: who is honey?
[10:09] jarusso: come on Steve, don't play dumb with me....
[10:09] jarusso: are you trying to put the moves on her, you can tell me
[10:09] jarusso: you old dog!

I think I've caught Steve trying to move in on my territory.

[10:09] drsteven_attah: do u know who I am?
[10:10] jarusso: come on Steve, I know you...we're practically related, what with all the stuff that
[10:10] jarusso: that's passed between us
[10:10] drsteven_attah: men u have lost a lot
[10:10] jarusso: thanks for noticing
[10:11] jarusso: I have been trying to cut back a little lately
[10:11] drsteven_attah: I wanted to offer u a great business
[10:11] drsteven_attah: but u've fucked up
[10:11] jarusso: hey, hey, watch that language buddy
[10:11] jarusso: have you been drinking again?
[10:11] drsteven_attah: I just got someone yesterday who wants to assist us from usa
[10:12] jarusso: being a doctor, you should watch that stuff
[10:12] drsteven_attah: and the finance company that gave us loan just sent to him a cheque of $150,000
[10:12] drsteven_attah: for financing the business
[10:12] jarusso: cheque - what the hell is that?
[10:13] jarusso: some kind of french wine or something?
[10:13] jarusso: must be champagne
[10:13] jarusso: that stuff costs a bundle
[10:13] jarusso: you seem focused on alcohol, admit it, you have a problem
[10:14] jarusso: admitting it is the first step to recovery
[10:14] drsteven_attah: #:-S=))

I'm guessing Steve is really juiced now...

[10:14] drsteven_attah: look who's talking
[10:14] drsteven_attah: a sycho
[10:14] drsteven_attah: =))=))=))
[10:14] jarusso: you mean psycho? no, that was only a charge, they never convicted me
[10:15] drsteven_attah: get out of here

There it is, I have been kicked out of cyber-space by Dr. Steven Attah (do you know who he is?)

[10:15] jarusso: yes, something about lack of evidence, I shit you not
[10:15] jarusso: but come on steve, that's all water under the bridge
[10:16] jarusso: so when can I expect my $1million?
[10:16] jarusso: my garage door is really in a bad way
[10:16] *** "drsteven_attah" signed off at Sat Mar 19 10:16:14 2005.

Ohh, the cold shoulder, the cyber "fuck-off" from Steve....what does the future hold?

Tune in next time, for the Adventures of Russo, international man of mystery

The ongoing saga of Russo - International Financier

2005-03-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

So, apparently I am now on the list in the great continent of Africa as some kind of international financier. Here is another contact from someone looking for another lucrative business deal.

[20:54] honeymix0071: would u like to work part-time and get paid weekly without affecting your present job?
[20:54] honeymix0071:
[20:54] honeymix0071: hello
[20:54] jarusso: sure
[20:54] jarusso: tell me more!

Ok, now, we all know where this is headed.

[20:55] honeymix0071: I presently run a textile and fabrics firm i inherited from my aged Dad in africa and we need someone to work for the company as a representative/book keeper in the states
[20:55] jarusso: wow, any chance I could get some free shirts out of this deal?
[20:55] honeymix0071: our clients make payments for our supplies every week in form of money orders so we need someone in the states to work as our representative and assist us in processing the payments from our clients and we will pay him weekly salary
[20:56] honeymix0071: u will be paid weekly
[20:56] jarusso: ok, any chance I could get an advance?
[20:56] jarusso: I'm a little strapped rihgt now
[20:56] honeymix0071: ALL U NEED TO DO IS RECEIVE THIS PAYMENTS FROM OUR CLIENTS IN EUROPE & ALSO FROM THE STATES, GET IT CASHED IN UR BANK THEN DEDUCT UR WEEKLY PAY AND FOWARD THE BALANCE TO THE COMPANY DOWN HERE VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER
[20:56] jarusso: ok
[20:57] honeymix0071: SO ALL I NEED IS TO FOWARD UR INFORMATIONS TO OUR CLIENTS IN EUROPE AND THEY ISSUE PAYMENTS IN FORM OF MONEY ORDERS THEN SEND IT TO U VIA MAIL OR COURIER

This must be the "official" nigerian scam artists script here, since she's copied it in verbatim.

[20:57] honeymix0071: i will need ur full name,address and phone number so we can foward it to our clients and they will start making payments to u as the company' representative in the states
[20:58] jarusso: ok
[20:59] honeymix0071: once i have the informatiopn i will foward it to my clients they will issue payments in ur name and foward it to ur address then u get the money orders cahed in ur bank deduct ur 10% weekly pay and send the balance to the company via western union money transfer
[20:59] jarusso: ok Honey, it's ok if I call you that, isn
[20:59] jarusso: isn't it?
[20:59] honeymix0071: ok
[20:59] jarusso: how much will be in these money orders?
[21:00] honeymix0071: 4000 dollars
[21:00] jarusso: wow, so 10% is like, 400, right? I'm not so good with the math
[21:00] jarusso: speaking of which, if I make a mistake on the 10% part, who will let me know?
[21:01] honeymix0071: how do u mean
[21:01] jarusso: right, exactly
[21:02] honeymix0071: what do u mean by
[21:02] honeymix0071: jarusso: speaking of which, if I make a mistake on the 10% part, who will let me know?
[21:02] jarusso: right
[21:02] jarusso: like if I get the percentage wrong
[21:02] jarusso: on the 4000, if I screw up and keep 500, what happens?
[21:03] honeymix0071: you get 400 as ur commison out of 4000
[21:03] jarusso: also, is there chance for advancement?
[21:03] honeymix0071: the feds get involved

Wow, she's threatening me with cops!

[21:03] jarusso: right, but since I am sometimes not so good with the math, if I mistakenly take 500 out of the 4000, what happens
[21:03] jarusso: feds
[21:03] jarusso: what do you mean?
[21:04] honeymix0071: so its good we reach a comprimise b/4 we go on
[21:04] honeymix0071: authority
[21:04] jarusso: authority --- huh?
[21:04] honeymix0071: yeh
[21:04] jarusso: do we have to pay them too?
[21:04] jarusso: this is getting complicated
[21:05] honeymix0071: nope they are there in case someone try to be smart thats all
[21:05] jarusso: we should all try to be smart, right?
[21:05] jarusso: or maybe I don't understand what you mean?
[21:06] honeymix0071: when someone try s to get away with our money thats it
[21:06] jarusso: Look Honey, you seem like a nice person, I'm just trying to get this thing figured out in my head
[21:06] honeymix0071: and i know u not gonna do such right??
[21:06] jarusso: oh, so when you send me the money, sometimes there's people who try to steal it?
[21:06] jarusso: I won't steal it....you know me better than that Honey
[21:07] jarusso: do I need to get a gun or something for protection?
[21:07] honeymix0071: yeh thats what i mean
[21:07] honeymix0071: ohh why a gun
[21:07] jarusso: to keep those bad people who are trying to steal your money away
[21:07] honeymix0071: its just a clean heart that u need
[21:08] jarusso: funny you should mention my heart, my doctor wants me to cut down on the butter and fried foods
[21:08] honeymix0071: so are u ok with the 10% or not??
[21:08] jarusso: well, is there any chance of advancement?
[21:08] jarusso: you know, like I get to be a big boss?
[21:09] jarusso: also, what about the free shirts from your Dad's fabric firm, when do I get those?
[21:09] honeymix0071: nope
[21:09] jarusso: I wear a large, or x-large, depending on the fit...I like things to be a little loose, drapes nicer that way
[21:09] honeymix0071: we work that out

Hey, I am making some headway on those shirts!

[21:09] honeymix0071: ok
[21:09] jarusso: ok, cool
[21:10] jarusso: so how is your aged Dad doing?
[21:10] honeymix0071: cool
[21:10] honeymix0071: geetin better
[21:10] jarusso: glad to hear it!
[21:10] honeymix0071: so are u working?
[21:10] jarusso: sometimes
[21:11] honeymix0071: what do u do
[21:11] jarusso: work
[21:11] honeymix0071: what kind of work
[21:11] jarusso: when I cash these money orders, how will you tell me my income tax information?
[21:11] jarusso: do I get a 1099-DIV or something?
[21:11] honeymix0071: nope
[21:12] honeymix0071: all that has been taken care of by our client
[21:12] jarusso: ok, this must be one of those "fast-track" deals
[21:12] jarusso: wow, that's a really great client you've got, they've thought of everything
[21:12] honeymix0071: once u get it cashed remove ur commision and send the rest via western union thats all
[21:12] jarusso: ok
[21:12] jarusso: where do I send it?
[21:13] honeymix0071: and u will receive the payments 3trice a month
[21:13] honeymix0071: do u have a bank account??
[21:13] jarusso: I've never used Western Union
[21:13] jarusso: is it a box or something?
[21:13] jarusso: what is 3trice?
[21:14] honeymix0071: ok
[21:14] honeymix0071: 3 times in a month
[21:14] jarusso: ok
[21:14] jarusso: so they come in the mail?
[21:14] honeymix0071: yes
[21:14] jarusso: ok
[21:14] jarusso: so where do I send the money?
[21:15] honeymix0071: do u have a bank account
[21:15] jarusso: are the people who steal the money going to be at my mail box?
[21:15] honeymix0071: nope
[21:15] jarusso: do I need to get some kind of secure mail box for this?
[21:15] honeymix0071: not thats
[21:15] jarusso: ok
[21:15] honeymix0071: it will be deliverd to ur door house
[21:15] jarusso: you can never be sure, I want you to know you are not working with some idiot here - I think of everything
[21:16] jarusso: door house?
[21:16] jarusso: what is a door house?
[21:16] honeymix0071: deliverd at home that what i mean
[21:16] jarusso: ok
[21:16] jarusso: by the mailman
[21:16] honeymix0071: yes
[21:16] jarusso: err, I mean mail-person - they get really sensitive about that kind of thing
[21:17] jarusso: ok
[21:17] jarusso: do I need to pay the mail-person?
[21:17] honeymix0071: nope
[21:17] jarusso: what about FICA?
[21:17] jarusso: is there a 401k with this?
[21:17] honeymix0071: all that has been taken care of
[21:18] honeymix0071: all what u do is just sigh for it and they will hand it over to u that ll
[21:18] jarusso: Honey, I hope your Dad knows how great a business person you are, you really have your act together, go girl!
[21:18] honeymix0071: ty

Hey, a little kissing up goes a long way in business deals.

[21:18] jarusso: ok, so I have to be there to sign for it
[21:18] jarusso: what if I am not there?
[21:18] jarusso: see, I think of everything
[21:19] honeymix0071: if there is a signature waver on it they will deliver it to anybody they meet at ur home
[21:20] jarusso: anybody they meet - yikes - so that's how it gets stolen...ok, I guess I will have to account for that
[21:20] jarusso: good thinking Honey
[21:20] honeymix0071: do u stay alone??
[21:21] jarusso: well, I am a little embarrassed to tell you this Honey
[21:21] honeymix0071: what/
[21:21] jarusso: but, since we know each other so well, I guess it's ok
[21:21] jarusso: sometimes, I get lucky with the ladies, and they stay over at my place
[21:21] honeymix0071: uhh
[21:21] honeymix0071: thats cool
[21:22] jarusso: I hope this doesn't mess my chances with you
[21:22] honeymix0071: how old are u if i may ask??
[21:22] jarusso: you may ask
[21:22] honeymix0071: not at all
[21:22] jarusso: I am 39
[21:22] honeymix0071: ok
[21:22] honeymix0071: still single?
[21:22] honeymix0071: lol

I guess Honey is having a little fun on my account now.

[21:22] jarusso: how about you honey, how old are you?
[21:22] honeymix0071: am 28
[21:22] jarusso: well, I have a bunch of different ladies that stay over
[21:23] honeymix0071: ok
[21:23] jarusso: how do you do with the men?
[21:23] honeymix0071: so can i have ur information now
[21:23] honeymix0071: business b/4 pleasure
[21:23] jarusso: I'm giving it to you Honey
[21:23] honeymix0071: ok
[21:23] jarusso: Honey, you do your Dad proud!
[21:23] jarusso: is that something he taught you?
[21:24] honeymix0071: sure
[21:24] honeymix0071: to be strong
[21:24] jarusso: well, I am the right man for the job
[21:24] jarusso: so how did you hear about me?
[21:24] jarusso: was it my buddy, Steve?
[21:25] honeymix0071: so what name should be on it?
[21:26] honeymix0071:
[21:26] jarusso: Robert Mueller

FBI Director

[21:26] honeymix0071: ok
[21:26] honeymix0071: address
[21:26] jarusso: 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

The Headquarters for, you guessed it, the FBI.

[21:27] jarusso: ok
[21:27] honeymix0071: phone number
[21:27] jarusso: when do I get the first check?
[21:27] honeymix0071: by next week
[21:28] jarusso: 202-324-3000
[21:28] jarusso: good, I need to get my garage door fixed, but you probably know about that from Steve

You'll remember Steve, Dr Steven Attah, from my last foray into international finance.

[21:28] jarusso: hey Honey, do you ever date outside of your nation?
[21:29] honeymix0071: nope i dont know steve
[21:29] jarusso: ok
[21:29] honeymix0071: who is steve
[21:29] jarusso: I thought you talked with him, he claims to be a doctor
[21:29] honeymix0071: how do u mean??
[21:30] jarusso: he calls himself, get this, "Dr. Steven"
[21:30] jarusso: steven, what the hell is up with that?
[21:30] jarusso: hey Honey, I gotta go talk to my friend here
[21:30] jarusso: I will be right back, ok Honey?

And that brings us to the end of another dealing in international commerce.

Russo - International Financier

2005-03-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was contacted through a popular IM for an exciting business deal. Here is the transcript of this chat.

[19:13] drsteven_attah: hello
[19:13] jarusso: hello
[19:14] drsteven_attah: how r u?
[19:14] jarusso: well, and you?
[19:14] drsteven_attah: i’m fine
[19:14] drsteven_attah: where r u from?
[19:14] jarusso: I am in Westford MA
[19:14] jarusso: you?
[19:14] drsteven_attah: Africa,Ng

at this point, I know the scam....

[19:14] jarusso: wow
[19:14] jarusso: cool
[19:15] jarusso: what prompted you to contact me?
[19:15] drsteven_attah: business
[19:15] jarusso: what business?
[19:15] drsteven_attah: partnership
[19:15] jarusso: interesting
[19:16] drsteven_attah: kind of
[19:16] drsteven_attah: we want to export crude oil abroad
[19:16] drsteven_attah: but need a foreign partnership
[19:16] jarusso: ok
[19:17] drsteven_attah: r u intrested?
[19:18] jarusso: sure, I always am open to complete strangers with too good to be true tales of untold riches and wealth, with little or no effort on my part
[19:18] drsteven_attah: i don’t understand
[19:18] jarusso: what?
[19:19] drsteven_attah: I mean r intrested to go partnership with us in this business?
[19:19] jarusso: I answered that already
[19:20] drsteven_attah: ok can u give me ur phone number so that we can discuss this one on one?
[19:21] jarusso: sure, maybe you’d like my bank account and credit card info too
[19:21] drsteven_attah: what r u really talking about
[19:21] drsteven_attah: please don’t think i’m one of those internet scammers
[19:22] drsteven_attah: I am here for real business and not for a joke
[19:22] jarusso: sure
[19:22] drsteven_attah: so if u r really intersted then lets get down to bsuiness
[19:22] jarusso: ok
[19:22] drsteven_attah: or else let me look for another partner
[19:23] jarusso: ok

so now, I am going to play along, I give him the # for the FBI in Washington

[19:23] jarusso: you want my number
[19:23] drsteven_attah: yes
[19:23] jarusso: 202-324-3000
[19:23] drsteven_attah: ok
[19:24] drsteven_attah: I will call u now
[19:24] jarusso: great, ask for Robert Mueller
[19:24] drsteven_attah: ok
[19:25] drsteven_attah: I tried calling the number but it’s given me a busy tone
[19:25] jarusso: well, try again, it is often busy here...
[19:26] drsteven_attah: this is my 4time
[19:26] drsteven_attah: can u call me?
[19:26] jarusso: no, cannot make long distance calls here
[19:27] jarusso: try this one, 617-742-5533

another FBI number, this time in Boston

[19:28] drsteven_attah: this is an american number
[19:28] drsteven_attah: I thought u said u r in uk
[19:28] jarusso: no
[19:28] jarusso: Westford, MA
[19:28] jarusso: it’s in the USA
[19:28] drsteven_attah: oh ic
[19:28] drsteven_attah: it’s that ur mobile number?
[19:29] jarusso: no
[19:29] drsteven_attah: ok
[19:29] drsteven_attah: r u in the office right now?
[19:29] jarusso: yes
[19:29] drsteven_attah: what do u do?
[19:29] jarusso: office work, are you calling?
[19:29] drsteven_attah: I’m trying it now
[19:30] drsteven_attah: but it seems the fault is from my own end
[19:30] jarusso: do you know how to use a phone?
[19:30] drsteven_attah: yes I do
[19:30] jarusso: well, that appears to be in question
[19:32] drsteven_attah: so since the call is not going through
[19:32] drsteven_attah: can we discuss the business here?
[19:32] jarusso: whatever
[19:33] drsteven_attah: ok
[19:33] drsteven_attah: what we really want to do is to export crude oil abroad
[19:34] jarusso: what do you need ?trucks, tankers, pipeline?
[19:34] drsteven_attah: but b4 the govt can grant us the lincence to do that we must present a foreigner as our partner
[19:34] jarusso: hoses, filters, gaskets?
[19:34] jarusso: ok
[19:34] jarusso: so tell’em I’m working with you
[19:35] jarusso: they can reach me here
[19:35] drsteven_attah: we need ur full information to make the application
[19:35] jarusso: like what?
[19:35] jarusso: I’m 5’9”, brown hair, scar on my left side, about 1 inch long
[19:35] drsteven_attah: ur full names and address
[19:35] jarusso: I just have one name, not names
[19:35] drsteven_attah: ur tel number and fax
[19:35] jarusso: I already gave that to you
[19:35] jarusso: I have no fax here
[19:36] drsteven_attah: ur bank name and address
[19:36] drsteven_attah: and ur account number
[19:36] jarusso: I don’t use a bank
[19:36] drsteven_attah: also ur drivers licence
[19:36] drsteven_attah: a copy
[19:36] jarusso: I don’t drive
[19:37] jarusso: so it looks like you’ve got my info, what’s the hold up?
[19:37] jarusso: when will these government people contact me?
[19:37] jarusso: I am going to bed soon, tell them to call soon
[19:38] jarusso: what are you a doctor of? medicine?
[19:39] jarusso: hey steve, you still there?
[19:39] jarusso: how much do I get, money wise?
[19:44] drsteven_attah: r u sure u r intrested in this business?
[19:45] jarusso: absolutely
[19:45] jarusso: what kind of money are we talking here?
[19:45] drsteven_attah: but u don’t sound it
[19:46] jarusso: there is no sound here in the IM space....
[19:46] jarusso: I am all for it, what more can I say—so what is my share of the wealth?
[19:46] drsteven_attah: ok what is ur email let me send u the details?
[19:47] jarusso: can you tell me here what kind of money I would get?
[19:48] jarusso: come on steve, I think you know me well enough by now
[19:48] drsteven_attah: that is what exactly I want to send to u through email
[19:48] jarusso: just send it here
[19:48] jarusso: am I expected to get hundreds?thousands?
[19:48] jarusso: my garage door is broken, so a couple of hundred would do the trick to fix it...
[19:49] drsteven_attah: u r getting 10% of a $10m USD
[19:49] jarusso: so like, one million dollars?
[19:49] drsteven_attah: ya
[19:49] jarusso: nice
[19:49] jarusso: in one payment?
[19:49] jarusso: can you tell me the income tax implications of this?
[19:50] jarusso: or would this fall under investment taxes?
[19:50] drsteven_attah: that is why I want to send u the details in email
[19:50] jarusso: would you pay it as a dividend?
[19:50] drsteven_attah: for ur understanding
[19:50] jarusso: I like being able to ask you questions...it’s more personal
[19:51] jarusso: I like chatting with you, we should have a drink together, you know, make the bond between us stronger
[19:51] jarusso: do you have the 10 million now?
[19:51] drsteven_attah: :))
[19:51] jarusso: what’s that?
[19:51] drsteven_attah: u r so funny
[19:52] drsteven_attah: I am offering a very good business and u r making fun of it
[19:52] jarusso: no, I’m not
[19:52] jarusso: I’m serious
[19:52] drsteven_attah: I will have to look for a gentleman then
[19:52] drsteven_attah: I can see u r not a gentleman
[19:52] jarusso: sure I am
[19:52] jarusso: ask any of my friends
[19:52] drsteven_attah: Have a wonderful day my good friend
[19:53] jarusso: especially the ladies, if you know what I mean
[19:53] drsteven_attah: it’s been nice haveing fun with u
[19:53] drsteven_attah: bye
[19:53] jarusso: hey steve, that’s not nice, I think you are not being the gentleman here
[19:53] drsteven_attah: I know what is wrong with u
[19:54] jarusso: you know about my back?
[19:54] jarusso: it hurts like hell all the time
[19:54] jarusso: my doctor does nothing to help it
[19:54] jarusso: no pills, no surgery
[19:55] jarusso: Hey steve, I really could use that million
[19:55] jarusso: don’t go away
[19:57] jarusso: very bad form steve
[19:57] jarusso: you know, in business word of mouth is very important, and this is not good
[19:58] jarusso: when my friends ask me about Dr. Steve Attah, do you want me to tell them you just threw me aside?
[19:58] jarusso: Come on steve, I don’t think you want that

The end?

The top ten things I'd like for christmas

2004-12-16T05:48:00.000-08:00

10. Hair - growing where it should
9. No Hair - growing where it shouldn't
8. Trump to lose the worst comb-over in modern history
7. To knock the shit eatin' grin off of Rumsfeld
6. The Democratic Party to grow some balls before it's too late
5. Healthy, nutrious Beer
4. Never to see another image of Viktor Yushchenko until the green is gone, poor bastard
3. Bill Gates' couch cushion change
2. A professional hockey league

and the number one thing I'd like for Christmas
Peace on Earth, Good will towards men, and a 50 million dollar bankroll

The top ten Gilligan's Island characters from Washington

2004-12-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

10. Gilligan - "W"
9. The Skipper - Cheney
8. Mary Ann - Condi Rice
7. Ginger - Zell Miller
6. Thurston Howell III - Tony Blair
5. "Lovey" Howell - Rumsfeld
4. The Professer - Colin Powell
3. Headshrinker - Saddam Hussein
2. Wrongway Feldman - Tom Ridge

and the number one Gilligan's Island Character from Washington,
Pancho Hernando Gonzales Enrico Rodriguez (the exiled south american president) - Fidel Castro

2004-12-03T11:56:00.001-08:00

The Law of Unintended Consequences

2004-12-03T11:56:00.000-08:00